Soy comunicadora. Hasta el sol de hoy no estoy segura de que este título haya estado a mi favor o en mi contra. A veces me siento como el Chavo del 8 con eso de las “aguas” que vendía: “Esta es de limón, se ve como de tamarindo pero sabe a horchata” y si le sumás a la ecuación un esposo astuto ¡Ya fregaste! Raúl dice que lo que no gano lo enredo.

via GIPHY

En mis clases enseño un fundamento que reza “El principio de la comunicación es entender y darse a entender“, pero cuando estás casado pareciera que el principio es “O me entendés o lo adivinás o ves que hacés” y se omite el “darte a entender” porque se SUPONE que el otro te conoce, se SUPONE que porque te conoce se casó con vos y se SUPONE que con el paso de los años es INAUDITO que no sepa lo que te pasa. Ninguna falacia más grande que esa, el “brother” no tiene una cámara en tu mente y definitivamente hombres y mujeres pensamos distinto respecto a varios temas… muchos… todos.

Comunicarme con mi esposo: Difícil para ser comunicadora

De plano que nos hace falta camino por recorrer como pareja, pero estas son las cosas que he aprendido en aras de llevarme “cool” con mi esposo, y por “cool” me refiero a poder platicar abierta, franca y sinceramente, no obstante debo aclarar que esto es lo que nos ha servido a los dos como matrimonio, si algo de lo que relato a continuación no aplica para vos, estará bien:

1 Los hombres abordan sus problemas diferente a las mujeres
Antes de casarme intenté leer “Los hombres son de Marte y las mujeres son de Venus” de John Gray, dizque yo para prepararme a la vida de casada… No pude terminarlo, eso de las venusinas y los marcianos fue intolerable jajaja (Lo siento si ofendo a alguien) La cosa es que logré leer un poco más de la mitad del libro y encontré algo que me ha servido hasta hoy: Las mujeres en su mayoría necesitamos hablar sobre todo lo que nos pasa aunque todo lo tengamos resuelto en la cabeza; por el contrario los hombres buscan hablar hasta que ya tienen resuelto el problema y no antes ¡Que hecho tan cierto! Si sentís “raro” a tu esposo o pensás que “algo le pasa” y al abordarlo no te cuenta o guarda silencio, no lo presionés, a veces un beso en su cabeza y tu silencio puede ser más fructífero. Cuando esté listo probablemente te busque para platicar.

2 Los hombres quieren resolverlo todo
¡Qué cosa tan irritante! No sé si te ha pasado pero le estás contando un problema a tu pareja e inmediatamente él te está planteando todos los escenarios y todas las soluciones posibles y vos lo único que querés es que te escuche porque en realidad ¡Vos ya sabés que querés hacer! Pero él insiste en decirte lo errada que estás… OK, aquí es donde necesitás aclararle algo, tal cual tuve que hacerlo con Raúl porque si no terminaba histérica y me sentía incomprendida, le dije: “Agradezco que querrás ayudarme a resolver, pero ahorita no necesito resolver sino que me escuchés sin hablar u opinar, si querés después me aconsejás”; santo remedio, él entendió mi necesidad y yo obtuve lo que quería: Su escucha. Los hombres están programados para proveer y resolver, es todo.

3 Dale el chance de decirte lo que piensa como en realidad lo piensa

 

via GIPHY

Las mujeres somos expertas en suponer explicaciones para todo: una mirada, un gesto, lo que sea. Aprendé con tu pareja a preguntar y no a asumir lo que el otro piensa y dale la oportunidad de decírtelo abiertamente sin disfrazarlo, sin que sienta la necesidad de ser “suavecito con sus palabras”, esto te permitirá dos cosas, la primera saber que pasa y la segunda conocer en el fondo la necesidad de tu esposo; comprendé que ni vos ni él tienen por intención primera lastimarse, así que no tomés lo que te diga como ataque sino como lo que es: algo que le duele – molesta – lastima.

4 Preguntale que necesita de vos
Si el principio es que se quiere lo mejor para el otro, a veces toca tragarse un ratito el ego, escuchar y atreverse a preguntar ¿Qué puedo hacer para vos, por vos, para mejorar? Esa es una de las mejores invitaciones que podés lanzar; si ni él sabe como podés mejorar, al menos los dos manejarán que deben resolver precisamente eso: ¿Qué necesito yo del otro? y dicen que saber el error es el 50% del camino.

5 Delimiten su respeto mutuo
La convivencia es bonita, pero también es una situación que con el tiempo te revela tal cual sos (como con tus hermanos por ejemplo), y te va quitando la capacidad de esforzarte por ser diplomática… Y AQUÍ SI HAY QUE ESTAR ATENTO. Quizá te parezca exagerado lo que diré pero el respeto a tu esposo es el borde de un barranco que no se ve pero una vez cruzado es terrible. Solo ustedes saben que consideran o no respeto (por ejemplo, hay parejas que hablan con muchas malas palabras sin que lo consideren irrespeto contrario a otras que son más delicadas en este sentido), pero a lo que voy es, tu esposo no es como uno de tus amigos (aunque también deba serlo), no es tu hermano o un subordinado… No, es tu esposo. Respetalo.

6 Pidan al otro lo que necesitan del otro
En TODO: En el almuerzo, en el día a día, en los problemas, en las enfermedades, a la hora de hacer el amor, en la administración del dinero… En todo. Pedí con detalles, con especificaciones, como cuando vas a un restaurante (casi con marcador y pizarra).

7 Aprender a pelear
Yep, hasta para pelear se necesita gracia y negociación. Después de 5 años de matrimonio, 2 de novios y 10 de amigos puedo concluir que casi todo en lo que no coincidimos debe ser una buena negociación, sabiendo con esto que ALGO vas a tener que PERDER.

Raúl y yo acordamos no discutir si estamos “encendidos” de cólera sino a esperar “que se nos baje” porque la cólera conduce a la falta de respeto, entonces no peleas por resolver sino para atacar; nos limitamos a estas reglas:

a) Si para el otro lo que hiciste fue hiriente, aunque no haya sido tu intención pedí disculpas, puede que pensés que esto es injusto pero esto te presenta humilde delante del otro y lo ubica en la misma posición, la pelea no es para que uno u otro gane sino para que ambos ganen el saber que pasó y como resolverlo.

b) Disculpá rápido: Disculpar rápido no implica que tu dolor desapareció ni que vas a comportarte como que si nada pasó, PERO, la palabra tiene poder; si disculpás le restás poder al problema, al enojo y a tu soberbia. Una vez me dijeron algo que me sirvió mucho: Enojarse es como subirse a un árbol, tarde o temprano tenés que bajarte.

c) No esperés que después de la disculpa el otro esté como que si nada pasó: No le hablés bonito o te le acerqués para un besito sorpresa porque va escupirte… No, dale chance de reacomodarse al ritmo.

beso-2

d) No permitan que termine el día estando enojados, si llega la noche y “no se les ha bajado” cuando se acuesten, no se duerman sin al menos darse una palmadita en la nalga (me río solo de escribirlo) fue un consejo que me dieron en una despedida de soltera y funciona, y no esperés a que tu esposo lo haga, hacelo primero y sacate de la cabeza la frase “Ve, yo no daré el primer paso” tu relación no es una competencia.

e) No se separen para dormir. Nunca. Esto solo abre más la brecha que el problema ya hizo.

f) Disculpar es una elección no un sentimiento. Siendo sincera claro que he querido sacarle los ojos a Rulo, pero como siempre he dicho: Hay que ser astuto. Una vez alguien me dijo: Cuando se enojen, sin importar porqué preguntate: ¿Te vas a divorciar por esto?, ¿Es más grande esto que todo lo bueno que tiene? Para que decir más; me ha salido más fácil disculpar y luego más tranquilos discutir el tema que mantenerme en el enojo. El perdón es ante todo el más grande acto de misericordia que se puede tener consigo mismo.

Para terminar, dicen que nadie te da un manual cuando te casás, pero también creo que al final el manual de tu pareja es tu misma pareja y que somos capaces de aprender de la experiencia de otros y de la observación de otros, de sus aciertos, de aquello que considerás imitable por bueno o efectivo ¿Has visto algo en otra pareja que sea digno de replicar en tu relación?

Gracias por tu tiempo.

Autor

Comunicadora y docente. Makeup artist, además esposa, mamá, salesiana y otras vainas.

2.664 Comentarios

  1. Que identificada me sentí, ese individuo llamado esposo pone a prueba todas las teorías de comunicación y tu mismo ser comunicadora…y si le sumas que tu hijo va por el mismo camino, aunque tenga dos años, dan ganas de ponerse a llorar.

  2. 🤔🤔🤔 esto me servirá algún día 🙌🏻 jajajaja ¡Gracias Lic! Ps: me gusta cómo escribe ❤️

    • Celeste Pineda Reply

      ¡Gracias! Y que bueno que le haya sido útil 😉

  3. ME ENCANTA su tono. No estoy casada pero aún así, ¡disfruté mucho leer este post! Me reí un ratito y reflexioné otro ratito jaja. Está excelente su blog Licenciada, espero seguirle leyendo :D.

    • Celeste Pineda Reply

      ¡Me alegra mucho leer eso Joan xD! A veces hay que aprender a reírse en ese tipo de dificultades, ayuda a tomarlas ‘más suave’ ;), cuídese mucho.

  4. Me encanta como escribis, me alegra ver sy saber que luchas por tener un matrimonio saludable. Felicidades a los dos y muchas gracias por el testimonio de familia que nos dan. Son un éxito !!!

    • Celeste Pineda Reply

      Gracias Victoria, ahí vamos un día a la vez jajaja; Dios siempre es bueno. Un abrazo.

  5. Arantxa Sánchez Reply

    ¡me encantó! Identificada en muchas cosas y cosas en que mejorar mucho más…

  6. Alicia Garcia Reply

    Gracias Celeste es un gusto leer lo que escribes y me alegro que tengan esa bella relación y que con el tiempo vamos aprendiendo que nuestra relacion de pareja va cambiando, si desde un inicio tienes bases solidas es positivo para el futuro de esa relación. Un fuerte abrazo.

    • Celeste Pineda Reply

      Otro para vos Ali ¡Gracias a vos por tus palabras!

  7. Maria Fernanda Reply

    No estoy casada, pero aplica para noviazgos, me encanto! Excelente LIc.

    • Celeste Pineda Reply

      Exacto, aplica jajaja ¡Muchas gracias María Fernanda!

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